It’s Not Your Fault. It’s Not Your Fault It’s–
by Jennifer Tran
Listen to this song by comfi beats while you read! A Stormy Night
“When you’re in a traumatic state it can feel like a rocking boat in a storm where the waves keep shaking the boat,” That’s something a therapist once told me, and I carry with me to this day. Unless you can play god, being vulnerable can sometimes mean feeling stagnant, having a meltdown or shutting down. At that point, there’s not really much you can do besides letting the chaos sit until it's over and what you can do to control the chaos.
When we experience mental health illnesses/conditions like Bipolar, Schizophrenia, depression and C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), it can feel like it’s only you in that boat going through a rocky storm, away from help. This is especially true if you grow up in an asian household that encourages you to suppress your own emotions. When drawing this, I wanted to capture the internal experience of what a traumatic episode looks like to me. It’s a simple recipe of paper, sharpie, muji highlighter and a pen drawn on a clear late winter night, communicating a blatant message about dealing with our inner distress. The walls that we mask in front of people as our intrusive thoughts from our past rains in the sea of our messy emotions that’s in our heads. C-PTSD is experienced bodily or somatically. Sitting while hugging your knees is a vulnerable position that can communicate grief and sadness.
“I’M SORRY” is a habit a lot of people develop over time, including myself. Sometimes we overapologize because of our social conditioning, or to cope with past trauma, anxiety and insecurities. There are times where I wish I could just say sorry as many times as I can to undo the wrongs in my life that unfold, even though the issue at hand is not necessarily my fault.
Art is one way for me to open a dialogue about something so personal like mental health. I hope people that see this art understand that healing isn’t a straight line that happens over night. The storm that goes on in our head won’t last forever. Even if the bulk of our trauma is probably gone, it can carry and manifest in us later in life. The storm will pass. Afterwards, we can heal.
About the Author
Jennifer is a neurodivergent (AuDHD) contributor and volunteer for FAUNA Mental Health. She hopes to apply what she learns from her anthropological and interdisciplinary university courses to uplift people to open more discussions about mental health. In her free time, she enjoys going on walks, cafes and collecting stickers.
